The Cowardice of My Convictions

I cringe when I think about how many times when I was younger I let a man make me do something I really didn't want to.  Yes, I know, no one can make me do anything.  But in my twenties, I just didn't have the confidence or the gumption or maybe the self-respect to say, "No, that's not happening."  I assumed that, these years later, since I like and trust myself more now, I would easily be able to stand up for myself.  More so, I would have bet the farm that I would stand up for my daughters.  And yesterday I didn't.

I am not an anti-vaccine zealot, nor do I believe it causes autism.  My (almost) nine- and (just now) eleven-year old girls have been vaccinated up the wazoo (actually, just in the upper arms).  Yesterday, at my older daughter's checkup, the pediatrician told her she'd be getting four shots:  the H1N1 (at my request), the tetanus booster, the bacterial meningococcal booster, and the first of three doses of  Gardasil.   Gardasil, of course, protects against HPV and cervical cancer.  Having dealt with HPV myself, I certainly would love to eliminate that risk for my kids.  But I've spoken with a lot of friends about Gardasil (which I admit doesn't exactly count as research), and I have several reservations.  My first concern is long-term effects.  I don't want to be like those mothers who took DES during their pregnancy and consigned their daughters to adult cancers because the longitudinal research wasn't in.  Further, a friend whose daughter has some neurological issues said that her neurologist said "absolutely not" to Gardasil, because of seizure and migraine possibilities.  I had pretty much decided to wait on the Gardasil vaccine until my daughters were older, giving the research time to progress.  Since my one girl is just eleven (and still very child-like), I'm certain she has some time before she'd really need it. 

When I told their pediatrician that I had some concerns about Gardasil he said, "I have a concern about Gardasil, too.  I'm concerned about parents who are concerned about it."  He then told me that it's been successfully used in Europe for twenty years and that plenty of research backs it up.  He added that his daughters had been vaccinated.  Then he gave me a look that said, "Gotta problem with that?"  And I gave in. 

I haven't told anyone about the Gardasil, because I'm so ashamed that I didn't say no.  I had made a decision that I thought to be in her best interest, and I allowed myself to be bullied out of it.  Now, since she's had the first of three doses, I figure that I have to proceed.  If I've hurt her, at least she should have the immunological protection.   Almost as much as I worry about her future health, I worry about her having a mother who can't (or won't) stand up for her.